My Delicious Life as a Short Term Lady of Leisure (Part Two)

Discovering What Really Goes on in My Neighborhood During the Day Stage


After any work day, I'm usually rolling up my driveway around 7pm, sobbing from the evening commute. How the heck would I know what goes on around here during daytime hours? Well. First off, my mailman is rude as hell. Around 9 am, he shoves the mail through the door slot, then rings my doorbell. Not a polite ding, but a DINGdINGDiNG RING DING-fuck-a-ling for no other reason than he's an unhappy person who hates his job. Doesn't he know I got in bed mere hours ago? It took a week of me stumbling out of bed trying to catch his ass, to let him know that since he wasn't FedEx, the ringing was unnecessary. He looked at me like I was a piece of shit, but he stopped. He stopped.


NEXT: I found out who my lemon thief was. I just knew it was the little sociopaths kids living next door who constantly work my nerves, but NO. Turns out it was an 80 year old man who takes his daily walk past my house holding a stick (why do old people walk with sticks?) and a plastic bag for when he goes shopping at my lemon tree ON MY PROPERTY. I didn't bust him out, because respecting your elders and all that. So I worked out a passive aggressive truce. I started leaving three lemons on my porch once a week, along with a sticky note which read THESE YOU CAN HAVE, YOU'RE WELCOME.

via GIPHY


NEXT: The Urban Los Angeles Wildlife

There are two of the hugest, beautiful, leafiest trees right outside my front door. Each morning around 10am, there is a gathering in these trees. I call it The Bird Council. This tree serves as the meeting place for all the neighborhood birds, where they commune, squawk, and squabble over what I can only imagine is their Daily Agenda. I think the daily agenda consists of new birth announcements, nest relocations, who's car is proposed to get shit on next, and the finalists of yesterday's rap chirp battle. THESE FOOLS GO AT IT.  Listen.


to be continued....