Wednesday, September 11, 2013

About Today



It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Feels like summer. I'm wearing a cute dress. I’m alive, and sane. I was out late last night, partying with good friends. I’m a bit hung over, and could use a nap. Today I have enough money to treat myself to breakfast and lunch. Tomorrow I will get an estimate on a brake repair, and then my spending habits might change.

But that’s tomorrow.

Today officially began the cartography project with my co-worker. I hung a huge world map across the office wall, bought colorful push-pins, and we marked the top ten places we want to go. My co-worker is an accomplished young man, a tad straight-laced. At 25, he doesn't yet understand the importance of travel. Push past the convention in your life, I say. Stop being so safe. When you are older and have more responsibilities, you’ll either say I’m glad I did it or I should have done it.

For the most part, life is about choices.

I have a push-pins at Morocco, the Balearic Islands, and Milan.  Their locations aligned perfectly on the map. I choose to see this as a sign.  A sign of hope, and good things to come.

This map is displayed in my office, in a building where cancer patients are treated. A friend of mine was here today. I stood with her outside, after the appointment, looked into her puffy eyes, held her hand, as we discussed chemotherapy, radiation, and life.

Beneath a warm sun. On a gorgeous day.

Twelve years ago today, the Twin Towers fell.  Ten years ago today, my sister was murdered. Today, my friend has to deal with the bitch that is cancer. For plenty of people, and reasons, this is a tough day.  Though not unlike any other day, really. Because everyone will have a 9/11 day in their lifetime.  A day when the awful event happens. When something will annihilate you, mangle your core, and from which you must try to recover. It could be abuse. Loss. A disease or affliction. It could be financial ruin, heartbreak, war, betrayal.

Today I am reminded that life is beautiful and painful, usually at the same time. And you can live fully in both, if you can stand it.  Sometimes it takes a catastrophe to appreciate the simplicity of a beautiful day.

Tonight I will drive home, settle in, talk with my kids, cook, watch tv with my little dog curled at my side, journal before bed, and look forward to tomorrow. Just thinking of this makes me enormously happy.

In my life, I've taken plenty of days for granted. But it doesn’t matter. I'm grateful now. If there is a tomorrow, I will choose to be grateful for it too.

Tomorrow, I'll probably complain. But I will be more conscientious about my complaints.  There are people everywhere with hard realities they didn’t choose. So I will be thankful for the little things. A cranberry muffin for breakfast, a creative project, a home cooked meal, loved ones, an evening of insignificant television.

It's been a beautiful day. It's been a tough day. Both, at the same time.

And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

Amen.



Friday, May 31, 2013

The Summer of Fuckery: Installment One

C.A.W.

Summer  2008 will forever be known as the glorious, exciting, harrowing time I went completely off the rails. Alas, it was the first time since my rebellion filled adolescence that I consciously went rogue, and decided to give no fucks about the societal impositions that suggested how I should be living my life.

It also helped establish the C.A.W. movement, but more on that later.

After a particular mentally bleak winter, June had swung around and my birthday was finally on the horizon. I’d completed a year of self-imposed celibacy to get my mind right about a variety of shit, and was game and ready for action.

Basically, I was determined to get laid.

Looking back, I approached this goal with all the subtlety of a grizzly bear - ravenous and on the hunt.  To this day, I firmly believe there was some funky planetary alignment going down, combined with an undetected pheromone leak into the balmy Los Angeles basin. This unique set of circumstances also propelled me into my first full-scale manpage.©  (Similar to a rampage: a manpage is a course of wild and uncontrollable behavior involving exclusively the male species.) .

I'd decided to up my inner vamp, sex kitten, femme fatale game. Which in layman’s terms, meant I spent the entirety of the summer acting like a big ole’ happy slut.

There were the usual recruitment activites: happy hours on hotel rooftops, Taco Tuesdays, sports bars, jazz lounges, Throwback Thursday’s, reggae night, salsa Sundays. I turned into a vicious flirt on every dance floor, veranda, and bar stool. I drug my girls along; made them accomplices to my fuckery, and ignored all rational advice. I sized up every dude within eyesight; praying to stumble across a bootleg version of Idris. (no dice) But if some guy met even the minimum attractiveness quotient, had a nice grill, and didn't say anything too ridiculous, he was hastily promoted to the front of the list.

There were a flurry of prospects.  Plenty were weeded out early on by their mere stupidity, cluelessness, boring ass drag, or questionable sexuality.  I’d engaged in the kissing game with a few, but none had inspired me to full on attack. Then, just as I was about to online shop for wine and dildos – he appeared. A shiny new someone.  He was a colleague, a fresh transfer from another department - tall and athletic, perfect teeth, quasi-metro swag, with sun-kissed bronze skin of the Latin persuasion.  We were introduced, and he could clearly observe something up with me, considering I shook his hand a little too long while politely eye-fucking him.

Turns out he was intelligent and fun and mischievious, and seemingly ready to come outside and play. A week later, we had our first martini lunch date. Screwing around at work was an all-around horrible idea, and so of course, I proceed with a quickness.

Fast forward a month. Our liasions had included fondling in the botanical garden, kissing in an elevator, and pawing each other in the parking garage after sundown. I’d told him all about my celibacy jaunt, and current mission. He was amused, which was cute – but all I really needed to know was if he was down. I laid it all out, like a business proposal. No drama, no regrets, all enjoyment.

We kissed on it, and promised to be discreet.

Our version of being discreet was holing up in my office the next day for lunch, where a variety of adult shenanigans quickly went down. Necking and groping ensued. His pants dropped, my bra unclicked. I slipped him the foil packet I’d secreted in my skirt. It was all so exciting, risky, and we were intoxicated with anticipation, and dammit I was finally about to get laid; and then this whole scene was completely eviscerated when some student worker barreled into my office and busted us in the (almost) act, approximately ten seconds later.

My goofy, horny ass forgot to lock the door.

I was fucked. And, ironically this is what I wanted.

Right?

There was major fumbling, a few "oh shit" and "sorries" offered as we regrouped. The student worker shot back out the door, to bleach his stunned eyes no doubt. And me? I hid in my office the rest of the afternoon, ignoring multiple texts from my would-be lover to meet with him after work. I couldn't do it, my high was completely ruined. The dude from the mailroom had seen my tits, for christ's sake.

Later that eve: Completely demoralized, I recounted the grisly details to my girls. I prepared myself for the laughter and ridicule; how the infamous retellings of my latest dick fail would go down.

One of my consigliere’s caught me completely off guard when she said:

“Sometimes we’re just nasty. Don’t feel bad. Women fought for the right to fuck around at work…”

Did we?

I remember the suffrage movement, and then that Lilly Ledbetter Act, but..

She went on: “Fuck ‘em. It’s your damn right if you want to get a little cock at work. You better walk in with your head held high tomorrow. If you get shit from anybody - start a protest. Fight for your fucking around rights at work. We can print up T-shirts, create a logo, throw up a website; the whole nine.”

My eyes narrowed, thinking of a name for this suddenly righteous campaign.

“Cock at work?”  I offered.

“Hell yeah," she answered. "Cock At Work.”

And with this the C.A.W. movement was born. Now when any of my crew is thinking about a tryst with a fellow co-worker – we recount my cautionary tale, then start a shrieking chorus of: caw caw caw,  like the sound of a raven swooping down mercilessly on its prey. It is both a warning and rallying cry.

It means: Get yours, girl!

But first, lock the damn door.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Scene from "Matchstick Men"



"Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life"

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Just Another Girl in CVS

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus


In the midst of standing in an absurdly long line last weekend - I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and consciously took note. I looked fairly decent for an errand filled Sunday afternoon: jeans, boots, a nice T; an oversized hobo bag slung over my shoulder. I was freshly showered, hair combed, had utilized toothpaste, lotion, and deodorant; the whole nine. To an outsider, I realized that I looked, well... normal.

No one would suspect I was there to pick up a bevy of mood stabilizers and other anxiolytic psychoactive drugs which most days, help keep my faulty brain wiring in check.

Or that this medically prescribed cocktail also gives me the ability to get out of bed and live a quality life, without being obliterated by chronic insomnia, obsessions,  intrusive thoughts, crippling anxiety, and depressive breakdowns.

And (much to the delight of the general public) also gives me the ability to wait in line like a regular person, curbing my claustrophobic anxiety long enough to prevent me from losing my shit.

*******


As a society, we pride ourselves on knowing what crazy (mental illness) looks like. Our go-to visual is the homeless dude pacing back and forth in front of the 7-11 quoting scripture and blurting obscenities. Crazy looks like those lunatics we see in the movies - psych wards and straight jackets; patients wandering institutionalized halls like the walking dead. We pity them, the unfortunate who appear to have gone mad.  Or even worse - we condemn them for being weak, for not being able to buck up like the rest of us and function out in the real world. We can point them out: they are the  druggies and alcoholics, those who make spectacles of themselves, gouge out their eyes; or kill themselves.

Or sometimes they walk among you; even appearing to stand patiently in front of you at the drugstore. We use mindfulness exercises, therapy, and pharmaceuticals to help battle the demons slithering within our thoughts.

When people ask about my next literary project, I brace myself for the reaction. To tell someone you're writing about depression sounds, well....fucking depressing.  After revealing that I'm working on a memoir based on my experience with mental illness, and the importance of mental health in the black community - I'm met with laughter, disbelief, surprise, disdain, confusion, side-eye, or even scorn.  Folks confuse mental conditions with being psychotic, having a personality disorder, or being weak and self-indulgent.  Comments like "There's nothing wrong with you," to "All you creative types are crazy," to "You really take medication?" to "Black people don't go to therapy," remind me why most of us are successfully shamed into silence.

It's much easier to shut up about it, quietly unravel, and hope no one notices. It's more palatable to lie and claim "I've got the flu" or "My head's hurting again" instead of  saying, "I'm doing my damndest to pull myself out of this shitty depressive episode."  When you articulate that type of thing, people look at you as if you've laid an egg. People trying hard to manage their symptoms on the daily just don't need that kind of stress.

Which is why I feel a certain a sense of accomplishment these days. Mostly due to how far I've come, how vehemently I've fought to have a life despite my conditions.  Many of my difficulties surfaced as a small girl, slowly progressed, and did not become full blown until much later.  At my worst, I did not imagine that I would ever recover or become productive again. Now, it's a relief to know that despite the genetic and biological quirks, I actually can feel normal (well, normal for me)  vs. feeling ultimately doomed and untreatable.


******


To expose one's self in this way is daunting, but I believe it's a part of the solution. Those who have experienced, or live with mental illness, need to speak about it. I've got enough guts now to be able to talk about it, without fearing the men in white suits will overhear and haul me away. There is a Chinese saying that "before you can conquer the beast, you must first make it beautiful."  Once you face the monsters inside, they can no longer own or haunt you. Look them in the eye and embrace them, and you will be free.

So hey, I'll be a posterchild for crazy (so to speak) -  at the very least, be a cheerleader (and/or comedianne) of sorts, for folks who are hiding, struggling, and suffering in the dark. To let them know that these matters of the mind do exist, must be addressed, can be conquered, and there's no reaon for shame. There are more of us out here, battling the same demons, regardless of how easily we may blend in with the others.


And for the rest of you, just a friendly reminder:  Don't point your finger at crazy people.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Twenty-Twice: The Chronicles

And so it's been said that "Life Begins at 40," and "The 40's are the new 30's,"  "The 20's are the New Zygotes," to infinity and beyond.  But I've stumbled on a brand new phenomenon that puts all the other bullshit mantras to shame.

Ever since arriving into 4-OH! territory, the shift in my universe has been titanic. I'm talking increased enthusiasm, creativity, and energy. I'm talking the horniness of a sixteen year old boy. And my lifestyle habits? A pure 180. I eat Fruit Loops for dinner. Take pole dancing and salsa lessons for exercise. I'm juggling lunch dates, dinner dates, martini dates. Pulling all nighters, and nursing wicked hangovers in my office the next day. My girls and I text incessantly about the next hang-out or happy hour. It generally appears that I cannot sit the fuck down.

I'm acting like some wayward twenty year old, yes?

Precisely. Because I AM twenty years old.  Twice.

Yes, goddamnit: Twenty-Twice. The new adult version of adolescence. Or as it pertains to me:  Mommy Gone Rouge. Now that my spawn have been raised and deemed acceptable to participate in society, I've got freedom and no curfew. I roam around unsupervised; spending loads of time purposely accosting trouble.  It's all pretty radical.

A decade ago, I'd be in bed with a book by 10pm.

Now the fact that a portion of my personality has been stunted since age 22, might play a small role. Right after college, I enrolled in an Accelerated Life Course called the One Fell Swoop Plan. Meaning, I dove head first into the trenches of husband, home, offspring, career and all its trappings before the rickety old age of 30.

Good times, they were. A wonderful and terrifying crash course. (My sanity was nearly totalled.)

So, suffice it to say I crammed in loads of  grown up experience at warp speed. I've done the wife thing, the motherhood thing, the existential crisis thing; the divorce thing, the self-destructive thing, the nervous breakdown thing.  The recovery, healing, and reinvention things.

Now I'm mastering in Advanced Life Studies and feeling pretty fearless. One could say I'm in a furious state of becoming. Only now I'm receiving lectures from my twenty-one year old son about responsibility, and the courtesy of making a simple call when I won't be home for dinner.

Hot child in the city.

Oh, and I'm not alone. My girls are experiencing it too.

"We're called 'The Regressives,' Amy Sohn explains. " With our children now school-aged, our marriages (now over), or entering their second decade.... we're behaving like a bunch of crazy twentysomething hipsters."

Especially now - since we have wisdom, confidence, and a bit of financial stability on our sides. Did I mention we look (and feel) better than we did in our 20's? We've evolved into intelligent, charismatic, ballsy bitches with senses of humor and lots of swag. No more school-girl insecurities. Most of our hang-ups have been smoothed out by experience, forgiveness,  and self-acceptance. And really good therapists.  We know the cornerstones of a healthy existence involves the gym, the spa, the winery, and ultrahot sex. And occasionally, some high quality cannibus.

We're hot. We're horny. We're here.

We're renaissance women. Who understand the importance of building financial portfolios, continuing our educations, and keeping a properly stocked slut bag. Boss chicks; who bump to Wiz and proclaim yolo in between business meetings, cocktailing, and corporate life.

Hell yeah, fuckin' right.

So this is where I chronicle my Twenty-Twice ruminations, challenges, and exploits (along with a few guest appearances.)  And stay tuned ya'll, 'cause I'm totally benjamin buttoning this shit.

For the first glimpse of the Twenty-Twice saga, start here.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Digging in the Crates: Rant #267 - "Going Postal" Aftermaths


It never fails.


After some Willie or Wanda finally snaps and plummets straight off the edge (in the form of a shooting rampage at company   headquarters/the post office/a gas station/freeway/Ralphs market, etc.) – the next-door neighbors, relatives, and co-workers all blather and spout the same bullshit.  Always claiming so-and-so ‘was such a nice guy’ or how ‘it was so out of character for her’ or ‘there must be some mistake, the Willie or Wanda I know would never ever do something like that.’

Blather, blather, blather.

What I wanna know is - just who are these people so compelled to keep their psychosis under wraps? And why?  The pressure they must heap upon their unsuspecting loved ones. So sad, so shameful.

You’ve seen the footage. The poor neighbors, friends, aunts, and cousins who end up on Channel 9 news in stupefied disbelief, as they try to offer up an explanation for the actions of so-and-so’s crazy ass.  The spiel is always the same: “I don’t know, she/he seemed just fine to me….”

It would be so refreshing to watch an interview when someone states emphatically that there was always something shady about that muthafucka next door, and therefore no surprise to learn that for the last six months he ate chicken heads for breakfast while wearing a tutu and mailing homemade ricin to every Supreme Court judge whose last name ends with an A.

It’s my personal belief that it’s much more considerate, honorable even, for a person to unapologetically and visibly unravel.  Just put it right out there, from jump. It will cut down the confusion and ultimate feelings of betrayal in the long run.  Best believe, I take time to verbally express that I’m coming undone, ‘aint right in the head, about to go smooth loco at every conceivable opportunity during an ordinary day. That way, my peeps’ll have the heads up, and be able to converse intelligently the day I really do end up losing my shit.

I can hear it now:

“Yo, ole girl been hangin’ on for months, kid. Months.  I knew some shit had to go down eventually.  How much is her bail?”  (friends)

“Wigged the fuck out, for real? About time.”  (co-workers)

“Yeah, she’d wave to me every morning..but she wasn’t foolin’ nobody. Chick always had that look in her eye.  You know…that look?  Plus, she never checked her mail….” (neighbors)

There’s nothing cool about pretending to be sane and emotionally balanced, people. This selfish act can actually hurt the ones you love  – especially when you’re nicely tucked away at County or 51.50'd at the Neuro-Psych facility, and folks are left floundering in the aftermath of your deception. Trying to figure out why one day you were a functional citizen of the world, and the next you’re indicted for making multiple terrorist threats to the assholes at Jiffy Lube who manage to repeatedly sever your brake line during the course of a simple tire rotation and oil change.

So. If you’ve got problems (and you do) –  just be honest. The act of battling an impending bout of psychosis is draining enough; why bother with the energy it takes to put up a façade? When someone asks How are you, How life’s going?, and your life is currently going downhill in a bullshit fashion -- buck up and say ‘Yo, my life is going down in some kind of bullshit fashion, and ‘aint no tellin.’  (hop around and blink a lot when you say it.) That way, fake, pollyanna-ish, and/or psychosis-shy people will back up off you. Which for me is always the ultimate goal.

Besides - most folks already know you’ve got serious mental issues going on, so who you frontin’ for, anyway?

(12/2005)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Movie Review: Beasts of the Southern Wild



After receiving a few glowing recommendations, I watched Beasts of the Southern Wild this weekend, with no real knowledge of the storyline or plot. It is nominated for a few Academy awards (including Best Picture) so it was definitely on my watch list.

The story revolves around a 6 year old girl named Hushpuppy, and her life in a destitute community along the Louisiana bayou, called The Bathtub. Inherently curious about life “in the Bathtub,” she tries to make sense of her mystical, turbulent surroundings by listening to the living things around her – birds, dogs, chickens, plants.  Her ritual is to hold these small creatures to her ear, and listen.  “All the time, everywhere, everything's hearts are beating and squirting, and talking to each other the ways I can't understand,” she says. “Most of the time they probably be saying: I'm hungry, or I gotta poop.  But sometimes they be talkin' in codes.”

Hushpuppy’s daily survival depends on her instincts, and on her only remaining parent, Wink. We watch her journey,  how she copes, and tries to make sense of the world around her.  This movie is meant to depict the beauty of a lost culture, where people live off the land and commune with one another, in ways that are starkly different than traditional 21st century life.

I usually appreciate off-beat, unconventional, arthouse films, but this flick just didn’t do it for me.

Having seen poverty and shanty towns in real life, and depicted in film - this is one for the books. That said, the set design and cinematography were fascinating. I found myself amazed by the mechanics of how the film was shot in such unforgiving terrain.  The setting could have easily been any third world country, except it was present day Louisiana. It felt sleek and unscripted, and definitely had a documentary type quality. The film moved me, but perhaps, for all the wrong reasons.

First, it would’ve helped to know (beforehand) that this movie is considered a fantasy/drama, otherwise I wouldn’t have chastised when it veered into the ridiculous. Secondly, I felt an overwhelming discomfort about Hushpuppy’s forced existence.

Spoilers ahead:

I hurt for our narrator and protagonist Hush Puppy - a small, spirited, but feral girl who lives in complete squalor.  Due to the lifestyle her parents chose, she will never know what it is to have adequate food and shelter, electricity, clean running water, or new shoes.  Chances are she will never be exposed to art, literature, or life on a broader scale; beyond how to catch fish with her bare hands, or heat a tin of cat food for dinner.  These are the brutal realities of her poverty.  I understand the fascination with the characters in this film, but at times it most felt exploitative - an inch away from poverty porn.

During the film, Hushpuppy quietly mourns her mother (whom she laments simply “floated away”), and seems to yearn for a female presence in her life. She is under the care of her father, Wink – a gruff man with a violent temper, who has no patience for Hushpuppy’s inquisitive ways. She is taunted by her father (physically and verbally) when showing her vulnerability, sadness, or anger – which closely mirrored abuse.  Turns out Wink is trying to toughen up his daughter, to ensure her survival without him (we learn he is dying from a mysterious illness). Hush Puppy has no freedom, no choice, but to survive.

These scenes pulled me in an uncomfortable way – knowing that there is something vital to a little girl’s emotional and spiritual growth, the need for the love and tenderness of an attentive father, and the ability to play and discover the world on her own terms. Hushpuppy will have no chance to bloom.  The only skills she learns will prepare her for life and death in the Bathtub. There will be moments of joy and celebration, but hers will be a life lived in crushing poverty, illness, and struggle.

I was relieved when The Bathtub residents were rescued and forcibly taken to a shelter, though Hush Puppy had no skills to live in this strange, sterile new world. After a few days, they all escape back to the only life they knew – the bayou. (Perhaps the poverty you know, is better than the poverty you don't)

This flic is a mash up between Survivor, Castaway, and Hoarders.  Flawless cinematography and interesting characters, but too depressing to be triumphant.

6 out of 10 stars.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Witch Titties

Winter, Los Angeles, California 2012 is responsible for the worst case of witch tits I've ever had in my entire southern California charmed life.  Not to be confused with bitch tits - witch tits is a chronic condition that develops when an LA girl is forced to maintain employment, polite social interactions, and basic life functions when the atmospheric temperature consistently drops below 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

Now you East coasters, who wish to rebuke me with woes of sub-zero temps, wind chill factors, and Nor'easters - kindly go fuck yourselves. When you reside in a heat deficient, snow-affirmative locale (by doom or design), you already know what you're up against. The salt trucks, thermal undies, and snow days are a part of your reality. You deal with it.

Because I am punk, and cannot deal with it, I live in Los Angeles. There's no fucking winter in Los Angeles; it's not allowed.  70 degrees is the legal requirement, the one thing you can count on in this cultural wasteland. Why else do you think we stay? The excruciating traffic, high tax rate, gang violence, questionable politicians, police pursuits, outlandish standards of living, Venice Beach, and the paparazzi? No.

We remain because no matter how shitty life gets, you can always stroll down to Starbucks wearing only shorts, flip-flops, and a tank. Or cruise down Sunset Blvd. (in December) with the sunroof open and the windows down while taking a toke. (But only if you have a legal medical marijuana card. And we all have legal medical marijuana cards.)

So as the Mayans claimed the world would end in late 2012, it kind of did, far as I could tell.  Suddenly I found myself in a post-apocolyptic landscape where the temps plunged below 40, and the ancient heater in my house simultaneously went on the blink. Wrapped in a Snuggie and standing precariously close to a rusty space heater, I scanned CNN, wondering if the President would declare the city a disaster zone. The orange patches were iced over, for christ's sake.

One nippy Monday morning, there was some substance on my car window. My neighbor patiently explained it was some phenomenon called frost. Snow was now falling within a 20 mile radius of my home, and the sturdiest piece of clothing I owned was a blazer. Not wanting to see what else the vast Los Angeles tundra had to offer, I got back in bed and called in sick.

During the rest of the work week I donned the warmest garments I could find, which were usually a maxi-dress, said blazer, peep toe heels, and some cute but non-functional scarf. Late evenings, I'd brave the half mile distance to my car in a spastic jog, with a scarf wrapped around my face, balaclava style. The chant I used to help stave off hypothermia usually went "fucking bullshit fuck THIS fuck this FUCK you fuck YOU" until I made it to my destination. Once home, no matter how many pair of sweats I piled on or shots of rum I drank, I remained completely fucking frozen. My house was a tad warmer than a morgue.

Hence, the witch tits.

Weekends, I stayed in bed, fully clothed, beneath a menagerie of blankets, towels, quilts, and pillows. I refused to leave the house. My social life suffered. I ordered groceries online. Even backed out on a date with cute enough dude, but I just couldn't will myself to move. He tried to persuade me, but I was having none of it.

So now I was a frigid bitch with witch titties. Witch tits. Whatever.

Now it's early Janurary, and the bleakness still remains. I purchased an ill-fitting pea coat at a thrift store, in a sincere effort to adjust. I'm wholly clueless on how to shop for "winter clothes." Winter clothes have always meant a few sweaters.

Clearly, I'm not about this life.

A "warning" email circulated at work the other day. Security had received a complaint from an elderly customer who was frightened when encountering "an erratic person mumbling loudly when exiting the building."  Be aware of vagrants using the property for shelter as a result of the recent cold snap, the email reported. "Complaintant could not provide definitive description due to mask or material obstructing suspect's face."

I vaugely remember blowing off some old dude who asked me for directions one night. That vagrant had a name; it was yours truly.

Bastards.

And yeah, I'll surely be on the lookout.

Monday, January 7, 2013

High Anxiety

The sneaky details of my life were planning a hostile takeover. Just waiting for me to look the other way, so they could creep from behind and wrap their poisonous little ways around my throat. That was their sinister, well-thought out plan.

But what did I know then? I thought I was just excited.

Excited that my girl and I were taking a spontaneous end-of-the-summer trip to Palm Springs , where we could sip Mai Tai’s and lounge by the pool in our designer swimwear that hadn’t seen a ray of the sunshine the entire summer. Couldn’t believe that only a second ago it was June and had big plans about the way our summer was going to unfold – this year.  Then a few summer camps, swim lessons, and field trips later, it was the end of August and the closest either of us had been to anywhere fun or exotic was flipping through the summer getaway article in Essence or Marie Claire.

So when my co-worker's timeshare became available at a price too low to pass up, we pounced on the opportunity. We didn’t even squawk that we were bringing the kids along to our desert oasis.

They’ll play together; occupy themselves. And we could relax, giggle, chat, and be momentarily free.

It was either that, or spend the last free weekend of summer doing back to school shopping at Target. Uniforms and back pack purchases always sounds tempting, but no.

We decided to run the other way.

Never mind I ran around like an insane person in Wal-Mart, on the hunt for any and all the neccessities: Swimsuits. Sandals. Inflatable balls, goggles, beach towels, sunscreen, band-aids, (etc etc.). Couldn’t find a volunteer to dog sit on short notice, so I was forced to pay a stupid amount for her stay at the doggie hotel while we romped out of town. I paid bills, did laundry, packed, straightened the house. What I needed for myself was an afterthought.

And when we got to our destination, as usual - the kids were hungry and wanted to swim, then play video games; which meant a grocery store run to stockpile the juice, water, snacks, fruit, etc. needed for the next few days. Back and forth, another need,  another errand.

So imagine my surprise, when having a quiet moment at the pool: lounging in my bikini, fruity umbrella drink in hand - and suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.

The rest of it happened so fast.

I signaled to my girl. She could see something was wrong, but I suspect my brain didn’t have the oxygen to make the words come out.  I simply sat up in the chair, shaking my head, eyes begging for help. My mind, that was always churning, always a step ahead of the game – suddenly failed me.

I broke into a sweat that had nothing to do with the desert heat. Felt like I was the lone passenger on a runaway train, speeding too fast toward doom. Everything happened. Or, I don’t know what happened. All I know was in a matter of seconds the world got smaller and smaller and threatened to crush me alive if I didn’t cut lose or do something. Anything. Fast.

“I...gotta...get...outta here.” My chest heaved with each word.

“Okay, I'll tell the kids they have 5 more minutes…”

“No!” I knocked over my friend's drink to grab her arm. "Now!”

My girl gathered the kids, dashed back to the condo, swung the van around to come get me. By then I was bent over, trying to remember how to breathe, hands trembling; and thinking with certainty - this is how I die.

Later on, my girl would assure me the whole process took under 10 minutes. To me, it seemed like hours.

I had fallen out of time.

*********************************

"The Mad Diary of Ms. Mom," excerpt  

Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Liberation of Language

How I Do: The Liberation of Language as a Black Woman in America


Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose. – Zora Neale Hurston


Language, to me, is magical. Be it the spoken or written word, it can be used to inspire or incite, teach and transcend.  Firm in this belief, I now choose to weave my own brand of lyrical black magic, one abundant with beautiful sounds and courageous energy. My words, and the way I speak them, serve as my truth.  An unapologetic affirmation of who I am – a black woman in America, proud descendant of Africans who were forced onto this land, made to adopt a certain language, culture, and way of life, long, long ago. 


Truth, though: Things didn’t start off this way. After all, I was born the daughter of an English teacher, to a woman who grew up on a small farm in Beaver, Ohio, first in her family to obtain a college degree; to a woman who fell under the spell of the traditional “classics” (Hawthorne, Shakespeare, Dickens, Poe) and who had definite views on how her daughter was to embrace the correct execution of the English language. First lesson being: Of course, how to “speak properly.”  There weren’t to be any “‘’aints,” or “naws,” or “she be’s” freely flowing about our household. A lazily pronounced progressive suffix would simply not do. 


Indeed, my mother came up in an era where speaking “standard English” was the truest sign of educated, successful, and “accepted” black folk; the most important (and culturally annihilating) test a young black girl simply had to pass in order to propel herself into a better life.  That “other” English – you know, the language that black folk speak: the so-called testifyin’, slang, gutter, fractured jive talk which has been lambasted by American society as deviant, deficient, and sub-standard – was to be wiped clean from your linguistic plate.  Failure to do so would keep you stuck, she warned; leave you with nothing.


 How right she was.  And also, how wrong. 

 Here are some interesting facts: Linguistic research of the 1960’s and 70’s established that so-called black English[1] is regarded as a non-prestigious language variety, and that Americans – including African-Americans – judge its speakers as having less intelligence than Standard English speakers, and many European Americans have a negative attitude toward the use of African American Vernacular English[2] in intellectual discussions…African-Americans, too, may disregard their language with disdain, calling it “slang.”

More facts: In 1975, Robert Williams created the term Ebonics (“ebony,” meaning “black” and “phonics,” meaning “sound”) to define the language which Dr. Ernie Smith, a distinguished author, lecturer and professor of linguistics at California State University at Fullerton concludes as “having evolved in the Americas as a result of the adaptation of English words to an African language system.”

But as a child – what did I know? Nothing of the above, rest assured. During my “formative” language years (birth to 5 years of age), I flourished under the careful tutelage of my first and ultimate role model, my English teacher/Mum. I learned to read and recite by age four, entranced early on by songs and lyrics and books, the love of language evident in my blood.  I was well on my way to becoming a “standard, proper” girl, and then – something wonderful happened. In the early 70’s, at the age of six, I was transplanted from small town Ohio to black working-class Inglewood, California. It was there my ideals of good vs. bad (right vs. wrong) began to fray.

It all began, strangely enough, by keeping quiet. Being fresh on the block, it was the unwritten rule to play the backdrop amongst my new counterparts (as a sign of respect) while we felt each other out. Listening to my new playmates in their most natural and jubilant states, I was intrigued by what I heard. Alas! This wasn’t no kinda English I’d ever heard! It was as if they were speaking another language -  something strangely familiar, yet vastly different from my own. It was something more beautiful and rich. Alive.

“She don’t even know what she be doin’, when she make funny faces like that!”

“He gon get in trouble, fo sho!”

“Oh, she pretty!”

Immediately, I became intoxicated with the rhythm of these beautiful sounds. It was that magic; pulsating within my body like my own heartbeat. Alongside it, that highly touted “proper” way of speaking seemed stiff. Strained and lifeless. Practical, maybe; but without joy and affirmation and energy. 

Wait ‘till I run tell mama! Linguistically, she’d taught me how to walk. Now, my tongue knew how to dance.

It would be years before I’d even hear the word Ebonics, or learn of the firestorm which ensued regarding the Oakland School Board’s decision regarding it, or of the endless debates concerning language, dialects, or any other linguistic term, as it applied to the speech patterns of black people in America.  All I knew is that this other tongue I’d found and embraced felt comfortable, natural, and safe. By age ten, I was thoroughly and happily fluent. Even looking back now, I never felt that I was dumbing down or picking up “this talk” in order to fit in or be cool, like it’s so often suggested. My soul had been hungry for something, and this language - full of depth and honesty, merely served as the food.  

 Now, I can’t say Mum was entirely pleased, but she didn’t seem to fret unnecessarily about the new way of words I’d embraced. She’d already instilled the “standards” in her girl, and felt comfortable enough in my acquisition of English, to put up too much of a fuss. Surely, though, there were limits – for example, I couldn’t go into the classroom “speaking as if I had no sense.”  There were certain social situations that required “proper” speech, and I was to adhere to this rule at all times.

Why? I would ask. The answer: Because I was a smart girl. Because I’d been “taught better.” Because I wasn’t “uneducated.”

And this is how the shame begins. The message that very often becomes instilled in a young black mind, whether it’s inside the home or out:  There’s something wrong with the way you talk.  It’s bad, broken, backward, ignorant, stupid, and lazy. It’s slang, it’s jive. It’s useless. You must learn to speak “real” English; you must strive to “talk white.” It’s the only good way and the only right way. You must practice being who you are not. Because you are wrong. Repeat until fully indoctrinated. 

So as I grew up, I began to adopt the practice of what my friends and I called “switching it up” – that is, to speak one way at school, another at home. For me, it meant, one way in front of Mum, the other way with friends, yet another way in the classroom, and on and on. And off I went, skipping down the road of cultural schizophrenia, like so many of us are taught and encouraged to do.

Not surprisingly, studies have shown that regarding ones non-standard language with disdain “makes it difficult for one to form and maintain a positive identity, and this ambivalence may play itself out in many forms, prominent among which is code or style switching.”

So, there it is.  You must practice being who you are not. Because you are wrong. Repeat.

And I admit, even well into adulthood, I tried to alter my speech patterns. Being fully aware of linguistic profiling (societal assumptions based on the way a person speaks), I attempted to delete any tell-tale inflections or “accent” in my speech, over the phone, at school, and in the professional world.  I did my best to mimic a speech pattern that was culturally neutral. Stripped; unidentifiable. Despite feeling like a fraud, I don’t think it was ever successful. After surveying friends and strangers, I have concluded that the timbre and texture of my natural speaking voice readily identifies me as a black woman, even when speaking the most standard of American English. It may be a simple inflection or cadence in my speech that clues the listener to my cultural identity.  Either way, it’s not something I consciously alter these days.  Because the question I began to ask myself was: Even if I could successfully sound like someone, or something else – why would I want to?

After years of research and study, I now choose to be proud of my connection to something deeper. Dr. Ernie Smith has taught us that black Americans actually “think in and use African syntactical patterns,” even when speaking the English language.  Ebonics “follows the African deep structure in every respect when it is different from English, and there is solid empirical linguistic evidence of identical deep structure of syntactical patterns in West African languages.”  Indeed - my soul has memory. One that can be affirmed and liberated through language.

Oakland School Board’s 1996 resolution rightfully concluded that Black English is not just some random form of "broken-down English" that is intrinsically inferior to standard English, but is rather a speech variety with its own long history, its own logical rules of grammar, with discourse practices that are traceable to West African languages, and is a vibrant oral literature that is worthy of respect. The Linguistic Society of America has affirmed there are individual and group benefits to maintaining “vernacular” speech varieties, and there are scientific and human advantages to linguistic diversity. Historical linguistics have demonstrated repeatedly that the loss of an ethnic language amounts to the loss of ethnic culture.

 I do not wish to participate in the eradication of my own cultural existence.  I find that it’s no longer important how society might judge the way I speak, but rather, how I judge it myself.  I will always be a black woman, daughter of an English teacher; who depending on subject, circumstance, and/or mood, can either converse on a variety of topics which demonstrate well-developed analytical skills and logic; or drop science on some real issues like a sista know what she be talking about.  Either way, the most important personal truth is - instead of rendering my speech culturally neutral, I’d rather let the world experience a black woman who is intelligent and capable; proud to have mastered standard English and simultaneously unashamed to also speak in a way that affirms who she is, that celebrates the cultural legacy from which she comes.

That’s my liberation.

Excerpt, "How I Do: The Liberation of Language as a Black Woman in America" Passion, Pride, and Politickin': Homegrown Poetry and Essays

Friday, January 4, 2013

Madness, Interrupted

"Great things are going to grow out all of this." ~ Anais Nin


After almost a decade of being mired in conditions which now have professional names like major depressive disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, PTSD, and an anxiety condition mixed in just for fun – I feel like I can now speak with a little more perspective and understanding on such things.

Depression (and it's cousin, grief) have been my steadfast teachers these last years.  Strict, uncompromising ones at that. After watching my mom wither away from cancer, after the murders of my sister and cousin, after my close friend's sudden passing – I didn’t think I would make it. My life had reached a tipping point, and I was simply too physically and emotionally exhausted to keep on living. I didn’t understand death, could not comprehend how it was possible to keep on living after such losses, and fell into terrifying depressions as a result.

Now I have knowledge that, at the very minimum, grief and depression won't kill me. At some point, you just have to make that vow. Not everyone wins these internal wars, but once you decide to survive, you learn the importance of fighting back. I’ve struggled past the barely surviving points – the weeks and months spent in bed, the visceral flashbacks, the breakdowns, the self-destructiveness, the intrusive thoughts and panic attacks, the emergency room and psychiatric eval visits.

Somehow, I managed to stay alive. How I did - is another post entirely. The short list includes the support of friendships and family not willing to let me go, writing, books, therapy, medication, spiritualism, support groups, and harsh self-examination.  Along with a seemingly unconscious stubborness to survive – is what has led me toward better days and a better life.

But I’ve made the mistake of thinking that my condition, disorder, diseases – go away. They do not. They must be dealt with mindfully, constantly, and sometimes exhaustively.  This is clearly my lot in life, perhaps due to the same genetic flaws which caused my grandmother to be a paranoid schizophrenic, my mother to have overwhelming obsessive-compulsive traits, along with a handful of addicts, psychotics, and depressives woven throughout my family tree.  Predispostion is likely.  But it’s also tricky.  It’s like a roll of the dice – some people can endure unthinkable tragedies and do not become outstandingly depressed. Some people have severe breakdowns which to the outside world, seem to be brought on for no reason at all.

It’s all very mystifying, though, when you realize that your mind has the ability to unravel.  It’s disconcerting to know that a mind that is strong and creative, can also turn on you; become slippery and unstable. Too often people think it's a weakness, or not being “strong enough,” or something  you can “snap out of.” I congratulate those folks, because it means they have never experienced mental illness or depression first-hand.  I’m not here to convince anyone to change their mind on these matters; but only perhaps to raise some awareness, understanding; and hence, compassion.

This is my madness, interrupted.

***********************

Excerpts, Memoir - 2011

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Dear Facebook: I See What You Did There

For two complete years, I've threatened to start another blog; for no other reasons than to respark my dwindling creativity, jump start my new manuscript, and regain some discipline. I even registered a few blogs, complete with cutesy titles and introductory entries, only to lose/forget the passwords or domain names; and then blithely drop the whole idea.  

I continued to journal of course, to cope and maintain my sanity; and for fear of losing the ability to write longhand permanently. I started using the phrase "in between projects," convincing myself that I would mini-flex my writing muscles daily - by posting on Facebook. 

Turns out, Facebook is a dangerous place. A slippery slope for writers; particularly unfocused and self-deluded ones.  The fantastic and troubling thing is, you can publish yourself instantly. Constantly. Exhaustingly. It's the crack cocaine of the net.

Starts like this: you post excerpts and ideas for that hot manuscript, then maybe a few inspirational quotes. You express your eternal awe for Rilke and Plath. You even dare to upload a photo (or 500) of yourself, doing...stuff. Activities. At the grocery store, in the pub. You then become a brazen individual who informs everyone when you last ate/slept/shat. One day you glance over at that stupid timeline, and witness the accumulation of trite bullshit in which you willingly engaged (celebrity gossip, the quiz defining your kissing style, a beautifully Instagrammed picture of the 405 freeway at dusk) and you wonder what you've really been doing with your life. 

And how bizarre is it that Facebook makes me ponder my own mortality?  Perhaps I die tomorrow, and my last Facebook post turns out to be uninspiring and prosaic, like "my deodorant is failing me?"  A status update can easily become your famous last words. Don't get me started about death and Facebook. We've all heard of, or had a friend who died - yet their Facebook page remains as some kind of luminous memorial. You expire, but your Facebook page won't. People continue to drop in, rifle through your photos, re-read all your hopes and dreams never realized, make comments, write on your wall, all without your fucking permission.

Or let's say you commit some uncool crime, and the media and detectives scour your page, sift through your alter egos and mindless ramblings to figure out where you fall in the DSM.

These thoughts horrify me.

I get it. We need a way to pass time while stuffed away in an office, or waiting to board some plane. But why do we still clamor to it on weekends? During "free" time? Do we need constant reassurance that our life means something? And the measuring stick is our photo albums and status updates?

Facebook celebrates the mundane; the minutia of daily life. It traps both simple minds and free thinkers. It has useful purposes, of course. Yet it also breeds an eerie, acceptable form of narcissism.

I won't even get into the godlessness that is Twitter.

Yes, I see what you did there, Facebook. Always feigning interest, with the How are you feeling? or What's going on with you? prompts at the top of my page. You don't give a shit about my wants and needs - but your advertisers do. And the fact that you're the brainchild of this brilliantly akward dude who didn't possess enough swag to meet chicks in real life - kinda makes it even more lame.

So here's what: I'm ditching my own lame factor. Branching out. Dabbling into new, groovy on and offline things.

Meanwhile, guess I"ll take a wild, girlish fling at writing.

Again.