Nobody Ever Really Dies (N.E.R.D.)

"When my husband was dying, I said: 'Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?' 
"He told me: 'Take the love you have for me and spread it around.'"
 ~ Shirley and Moe (HONY)

Death anniversaries suck. Such a shitty thing to have in one’s life; those cruel reminders of loss. When one rolls around, my habit is to time-out, isolate, basically drop off the radar. Spend the day alone, sometimes in bed, in an attempt to ignore the whole deal. Or distract myself with mundane activities, constantly checking the clock, counting down the seconds until the awful day is done. It’s a day to be endured. After all, it’s a day the person you love - died.

But this year, on that second day of August - it was different. 

The night prior, I had a dream. 

In it, my aunt Joyce (Justin’s mother) and me (his big cousin, Jade – we’re a proud family of J names) - were chilling together on a lovely patio. The sun was shining down on us, as we smoked a huge joint. We were laughing, foot-stomping, and having an all-around good time; like you do when life is good.

  

I woke up and immediately told Joyce. We took it as a sign. The fact that we were smiling and laughing, something we couldn’t conceive of seven years ago, when her only son was murdered at age 24, and that on the very day he left this earth seven years ago, he delivered us a message. 

The dream was 100% Justin approved: Until we see him again, he wants us to be happy. Because life can still be good.

Take the love you have for me, and spread it around. 

So I didn’t waste the day in bed. I didn’t jot down angry notes in my journal. I didn’t mope; or ponder the tragedies of life. I got up and got moving. (Because Justin’s motto was: hang out, be out, stand out, show out)

 Justin (far right) and crew

So, I exercised and cleaned the house. Went shopping for an upcoming vacation. Connected with friends. Cooked dinner. Enjoyed a chilled glass of white wine at the end of the day, and made a long-distance toast: To Justin. To life.

I didn't spend the day being sad. Those were not his instructions.

I reminisced with my kids about him. About how I was just thirteen when Justin was born, and happy to finally have a little cousin to fuss over and help take care of; how he basically became my own living doll.  I remember it all, the days and nights spent in the Baltimore house off Liberty Heights Ave. The delightfully long summers filled with Vacation Bible School, late night bbq’s, and lightening bugs in glass jars.  For all us, my family and friends, it was the best of times.

Take the love you have for me, and spread it around. 

And something else happened. 

When straightening the house that day, I went to clean a mirrored wall in my writing room, which I use mainly for quotes. Years ago, I’d written Justin (and Dena’s) name there as a memorial. I’ve never cleaned that portion of the mirror since.  This day (of all days), without even realizing - I swiped over the writing. I recoiled instantly, thinking the memento was destroyed.

I opened my eyes. It was still there.

I took the cloth and rubbed again. First lightly, then harder each time. Not a smudge. What I’d somehow forgotten was, I’d written in permanent ink. It wasn’t going anywhere.

It clicked. The N.E.R.D. concept clicked in, just ever more slightly.

I couldn’t wipe them away. Nothing could, not even if I tried. The imprint on my life is permanent. Their existence is there, always will be, as long as I’m alive. They are breathing and living right along with me, intertwined with the blood pumping in and out of my heart.

And when we die, hopefully we will have imprinted ourselves on someone thoroughly enough to become a part of their Soul DNA; and so on.

So, nobody ever really dies.

Maybe this is progress. Another milestone. Although next year (or even next week), there’s no telling. I might get sucker-punched by grief or sadness, and end up on the floor, in bed, or pulled over on the side of a road. That’s just the way it goes. It’s just on this August day, seven years to the day, it was different.

And I'll keep taking the love I have for Justin, and spreading it around.

Justin forever.

Justin, smiling. (center)

Social Media Etiquette for the 21st Century

(Yes, I said in the 21^st century, because I doubt there were high levels of fuckery going down in ’96 when Geocities was all the rage.)

QUICK FACT: Social media has now overtaken pornography as the No. 1 activity on the web. 

TRANSLATION: When pron (typo, and it stays) falls alllll the way to second place, the end of the world is nigh.

Still no reason to forget our manners, right?  We reviewed a little cell phone etiquette, so now let’s tackle this social media situation…

OVERVIEW:
The strange thing about social media is that waay back, before we had unlimited access to share and chat and be all up in each other’s thought processes - one could walk around with the notion that most folk were basically kind, intelligent, worthwhile human beings.

But not now; nope. The social media phenomenon has forced us to accept that the planet is rife with people who are sadly and profoundly - stupid. Or boring. Or mean, self-absorbed, small-minded, and/or suffering from a plethora of mental and personality disorders. 

I mean, just look.

Though social media is a fucking genius when it comes to real life issues - raising awareness, spearheading social causes, starting a revolution, disseminating information, holding the powers that be accountable - and for tasks such as marketing, advertising, showcasing original /talent content (music, literature, cinema, etc.), and clever entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment, though? OMG. The MEME movement is the BEST.THING.EVER.  

 

And gif’s - AWESOME.SAUCE.

(And I’m totally going to create my own, AND post them all over my blog. YOU WATCH, TIA.)

But back to minding our manners via:

TWITTER:  

I have some extremely intelligent, very interesting friends who hang out on Twitter. Personally, I can’t get into it. I can’t get into Twitter, just like I can’t get into ice swimming.  It’s just not my idea of a good time. What can I say? I just get the feeling that murky things go on there. Plus everybody uses it, which rarely turns out well. Etiquette infractions include:

Hashtag abuse:

Especially personalized hashtags that drag on and give dyslexic’s nervous breakdowns:

#thingsthathesaysthatmakemegoabsolutelyinsane

#justgottotheclubheynowwheremygirlsattimetoturnup

And, rampant stupidity:

Add to the list:

• Spelling/grammatical errors
• Wack twitter names and handles
• Endless re-tweeting
• USING ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!
• Excessive emoji use (I freaking love emoji's.)

Side note: Twitter is great for: customer service resolutions, as a non-traditional news source, and roasting public figures who deserve it.

INSTAGRAM:
 

Folks kept saying you don’t have an Instagram account? you really need an Instagram account. So I got one.  And, so. This is where the all the foodies, #selfie fanatics, and amateur photogs/videoagraphers reside.

My daughter, for example, will Instagram snapshots of her everyday meals, and call it art. Which forces me to politely say, no sweetheart, just because you’ve captured a bitten into grilled cheese sandwich and slapped a filter on it, does not make it art. And then I’ll show her a place where art lives.

It’d be more exciting (and less obnoxious) if Instagram users would be kind enough kick it up a notch. A lot of the content looks awfully pedestrian. Interesting cuisine, breathtaking scenery, and fashion shoots are awesome to look at; but a little more creativity is in order. Maybe jump out of a plane, and Instagram an expression pic as you fumble for the parachute release strap? Now that would be cool.

PINTEREST:

Great concept. Love the virtual personalized boards with all kinds of neat categories. I use it about twice every fiscal year, so not familiar with its annoyance level.  Is social media etiquette routinely skirted there? Hit me up, Pinterest people!

Otherwise, it seems pretty harmless. Or maybe it’s just another way to waste time online. Wouldn't it be more fulfilling to get out in the real world and hit a few thrift stores or an estate sale or accomplish a DIY project that once finished, can be posted on Instagram with all kinds of fancy special effects accompanied by a clever hashtag? (but what the fuck do I know)

FACEBOOK:

The most egregious crimes of social media etiquette continue to take place here. Let's review:

Tip #1: Pretend you’re at a party. All of your FB friends are attendees. Would you strike up convo about that great movie (or book, restaurant, cable TV series, whatever), or your
travel bucket list, or go with an interesting anecdote/observation - or would you lead with how much you hate your job, or that your kid vomited on you last night? Now, if you can make the kid-vomit story interesting, then go ahead. If not, wait for something more electrifying to share.

Tip #2: If you do choose to post about yourself, politely do us all a favor and have a pretty amazing existence or lifestyle. Like one of my favorite girls right here. She’s always up to something fresh and entertaining. She's talented, fabulous, extremely humble and grounded, interesting, and a world traveler. AND SHE'S FROM INGLEWOOD. (What up, Shan!) Now, would you rather read about someone who says: I'm getting ready to go to work, or I'm getting ready to go to GUAM/GREECE/GERMANY?

Tip #3: Please keep in mind, Facebook is not:

• A diary
• A blog
• A personal newsletter
• An advice column
• A place to incessantly talk about yourself (see Tip #2)
• To be used in place of professional therapy
• A place to hash out family, parental, or relationship issues for the world to see
• A place to drop terrible news to or about someone without first attempting a more discreet mode of communication
• Add your pet peeve here ________________

Actually, I think there should be a separate Facebook for each subject matter or interest. Yes. I am advocating Facebook segregation. It makes sense, for us and Zuckerberg. (somebody get him on the horn) That way we can talk freely amongst ourselves, with our own kind, and not bore the outsiders to tears.

There would be a designated Facebook world for each tribe:  (a) parents, their woes, and their wacky kid tales (b) complainers and venters, (c) people on the prowl and/or looking for dates, (d) the exercise extremists, (e) the foodies, (f) fashionistas, (g) religious freaks, (h) celebrity gossipers, (i) the conspiracy theorists, (j) the druggies, (k) the metaphysical and enlightened Ones, (l) the financial schemers and planners, (m) the wanna-be stand-up comedians (n) gang-members, (o) people who want to endlessly talk about relationships, etc.  (My only friends on Facebook would be other people who also hate Facebook.)

Tip #4: Standard FB etiquette requires asking yourself these hard-hitting questions: 

• Is this post in some way witty, profound, remarkable, newsworthy, thought-provoking, interesting, or intriguing? AND IF NOT,
• Why am I posting this?
• Who am I posting this for?
• Am I talking about myself again?
• Am I talking to myself again?
• Am I talking about the same old shit again?
• Do I have a compulsion I need to address?
• Am I posting this specifically to get the attention of one particular person/group, yet being all pass-agg about it? 
• Will I feel better after posting this?
• Is this something I want my grand-kids to stumble across when they Google me in 20 years?

In other words, Darlings - refrain from posting anything that you don’t mind being examined, commented on, and/or talked about out here in these Facebook streets. Unless, of course, you don't give a shit. Which leads me to...


The Unfriend Finder:

APPARENTLY, PEOPLE DO GIVE A SHIT: Yes, there is an app to find out who unfriended you on Facebook. (Twitter, Instagram, etc.) My daughter regrettably informed me this is actually a thing. This should be called the you've got to find better things to do with your time app. Because, really? WELCOME BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.

Final tip: So many of us worry about the NSA or whoever (Putin? the Aliens?) violating our privacy, despite being overly enthusiastic about posting every second of our natural lives on social media. All of the info we volunteer online is viewed, tracked, and disseminated by employers, advertisers, identity thieves, governmental agencies, etc. That's the agreement we make when using social media. Also keep in mind, internet content lives forever. (Forever ever) So be smart, be savvy, and always mind your manners!