Social media has never provoked a high level of disgust in me (shout out to
my buddy Zed) - until I saw a Facebook status update from a funeral. How did I know it was from a funeral? Because that was the purpose of the update - to let everyone know they were in the same room as a coffin,
paying their respects. After witnessing this gross display of indecency, I felt a seething hate for humanity. Especially humans compelled to document every movement of their lives on Facebook.
I understand Facebook is voluntary, and not an as-yet requirement for inclusion on the planet. I initially joined for the same reasons we all did - mindless entertainment. Back in '06, it was a novel way to keep track of friends, family, wayward children, ex-lovers, enemies, current events, etc.
Now? It's a complete clusterfuck. A posterchild for meglomania. A place where people seldom dialogue about thought-provoking issues, but sit around and circulate bad memes, complain/humble brag about their lives, force you to look at 500 page virtual photo albums, gossip, proselytize, commit uncalled-for hash tag or emoji abuse, post snapshots of kale smoothies; or make shameless exhaustive monologues on life lessons, shitty relationships, personal prayers, or the existential crisis one experiences after being snubbed by a friend’s cat.
Just when did Facebook become the equivalent of the goddamn Hunger Games? I'm not referring to the casual users. I'm talking about folks who act as if they fail to contribute twenty plus updates per day, they will ABSOLUTELY KEEL OVER AND DIE.
I’d been studying for an exam the last few months, so I'm not sure when my Facebook feed devolved into professionally edited snapshots of pizza, #selfies, sweaty people on gym equipment, song lyrics, and Candy Crush invites. I knew there were compelling events going on in the world (Ukraine, Putin, the Michael Dunn case, Oscar Pistorius, the two US astronauts currently stuck in outer space, The Affordable Care Act, MH370, House of Cards Season Two, etc.), yet all of them took a back seat to what somebody's stupid coworker WORE ON TUESDAY.
So this is what we’re doing now. How repellant. It's tantamount to group masturbation, with everyone jerking off to their own lives, inviting other people to watch. For why? Because in the 21st century, self-absorption is the look. We must proclaim ZOMGG I'M READING A BOOK, as if it's some peculiar activity that other mere mortals don't do. If we have an experience and don't post it on Facebook, does its significance cease to exist? Is it really that difficult to be still, be present, and bask in the experience of life without the need to document every second of it?
And what happened to living in stealth mode? Whatever happened to SECRETS? Secrets (healthy ones) are provocative, intriguing, sexy. Secrets – just like modesty, demureness, humility, discretion, class, tact, and decorum - need to make a comeback.
BECAUSE YOUR NARCISSISM IS BORING.
Though I couldn't help but wonder (©): Are people happier this way, compulsively posting about their daily lives? The idea vexed me. I was completely vexed.
Maybe I was missing out.
So I conducted an experiment. I decided to consistently update my FB feed over a span of 48 hours, to see if my personal fulfillment meter surged exponentially. The extra kick was that I got all satirical about it, by posting the same type of mind-numbing, frustratingly mediocre junk that others rudely foist onto their FB counterparts. (who, believe me - have done nothing to deserve it.) No, I’m not above a bout of petty passive-aggressiveness in order to have a little fun.
EXPERIMENTAL DATA, DAY ONE:
Status updates: Photo post from the checkout line at the grocery store. Announce I was purchasing greens and chicken wings. Post picture of a Ralph’s water bottle, which accompanied dinner. Post that I was about to watch Basketball Wives. The next morning, post about a delicious red apple I enjoyed as a snack (with photo), post that I'd listened to Carly Simon and Mack 10 on Spotify. Next, a random post of some freak on the internet, an update about my afternoon walk, another post to indicate I was enjoying the day, followed by two status updates on the weather, then a post asking for donations on behalf of the International Bird Rescue. After that - a Drake meme, then a post announcing my water intake due to the hot weather, a post about taking lunch, a snapshot of said lunch, a mid-day selfie, an almost decade old picture of my kids, an exercise video on planking, a conversation re-enactment had with a co-worker, a snapshot of a caramel rice cake (another snack), a twerk video, a Jesus quote, that I was stuck in rush hour traffic, and a post when I’d finally made it home. Posted about my 20 minute stationary bike workout, then ended the evening with a goodnight post.
EXPERIMENTAL DATA, DAY TWO:
Status updates: A post about a mockingbird that kept me up until 2 a.m. A "good morning, stay positive" post. A picture of a wedding dress. A weather update. A random post about the dude sitting across from me in a café, who looked like a serial killer. Posted lyrics to Drunk In Love, made one post each about Donald Sterling and the anniversary of the LA riots (to see if anyone would bite), a post about the Panda Cam live feed, a post about how much I missed Sassy (my dog), another picture of Sassy, three more pictures of Sassy, a random wisecrack, an excerpt from the book of Exodus. Next post was about my commute home, and that I was on the 10 freeway and drinking vodka (I got a few likes, and no one seemed concerned). Next, a post announcing I'd arrived home, and a final picture of Sassy and two lumps of dried shit she'd left in her potty area - hashtagged. (#twolittlePoopsofLove.)
DATA ANALYSIS AND FINDINGS:
A. EXHAUSTION: At the end of Day One, I was completely drained. Interrupting my life, to post about my life was unexpectedly tiring. Or, posting such self-absorbed drivel basically sapped my creative energy. It felt like an empty exercise. By the end of Day Two, I was sick of my phone, sick of FB, and sick of myself.
B. UNPRODUCTIVITY: In the days prior to the experiment, I ‘d been reading two books, journaling, working on blog updates, helping my daughter with her t-shirt store website, catching up on new epi's of Anthony Bourdain’s travel show, and doing some gardening. I accomplished very little of that during the experiment. There is only so much free time in a day, especially after work and other personal responsibilities. I couldn’t be actively creative AND update Facebook – it was one or the other. FB is a cunning time dump.
C. 
SOCIAL INTERACTIONS: I was constantly distracted. I made very little eye-contact with people. I tried to help my daughter with her project during my "experiment," but I wasn’t present with her. I half- listened. I kept putting her off. She got impatient, which frustrated me even more. I also like to chat with the small sociopaths neighborhood kids when I get in from work - to ask them what they learned, and remind them to stay off my grass. Bypassed that, because I was too busy trying to get inside and resume the experiment. Instead of chilling in the backyard with my pooch, I kept trying to get her to pose for FB pics. She didn't cooperate, nor did she appreciate it. My selfish antics were impacting others. I was simultaneously neglecting people AND getting on their nerves.
D. FEEDBACK AND RESPONSES: As a result of my increased posting and subject matter, I was inundated with texts, emails, and phone calls inquiring: (1) if my FB account had been hacked (2) if I was okay, (3) if I was engaged in some kind of ironic performance art social media protest, or (4) if I was off my meds. I assured those who didn’t already know, t
he answer was #3. Those who didn’t know me as well (obviously,) seemed delighted in my sudden participation in Facebook life, and rewarded me with “likes” accordingly. Only three people de-friended me. Not too many cared about the serious topics (Sterling, The Riots), but the mockingbird post and Bey’s song lyrics were winners.
I was also chided that I didn't go hard enough with this experiment, and needed way more status updates, a shit ton of selfies with bad lighting and filters, more typos, more randomness, and more hideous pics of food closely resembling vomit. (shout out to Manochinita)
E. PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS: I felt anxious and disconnected. I didn't feel present in my real life, with the people and activities which meant most to me. It was difficult keeping up the momentum at the office, because I'm required to do a certain level of interacting. I do however get that stationary/isolating office gigs can lead to excessive FB posting. Which basically falls under the category of boredom. There are a hundred other ways to actively (vs. passively) combat boredom. Even if trapped behind a desk, one can make the most of it - maybe actually apply yourself to the job you'd like to keep, enroll in an online course, study a new language, brainstorm on personal projects, pen a handwritten letter, take a walk, break your fingers, snort some bath salts, jump off a cliff. Just.don't.waste.your.life.online.
Sidenote: I did observe a lot of emotional venting on Facebook. I get the feeling some people utilize FB to effectively drown out the reality that their lives might be lacking, unrewarding, empty, dysfunctional, lonely, or unhealthy. For that, the best resources would be serious self-examination, a private journal, and professional therapy. Zuckerberg don't give a damn about your mental health.
The comic Louis CK said it better:
You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something. That's what phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there.
That's being a person. And sometimes when things clear away, you're not watching anything, you're in your car, and you start going, 'oh no, here it comes. I'm alone.' It's starts to visit on you. Just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it...
That's why we text and drive. I look around, pretty much 100 percent of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.
F. FINAL TAKEWAY: As suspected, my productivity and mental state hit their zenith when living outside the Facebook trap. I have three very good friends who drop kicked Facebook a few years ago, to focus on their real life passions and goals. They are now, as follows: a social worker, an RN, and a law school student. They weren't posting updates about their case studies or anatomy exams, they were quietly doing their work. A fulfilling, exciting life isn’t like a business - you don’t have to advertise.
I have yet to deactivate my account for two main reasons: First, I live for the authentic interactions I have with an amazing group of women (most of whom I know in real life) and our primary mode of sharing is via a private group on Facebook. Second, I am an observer of the human carnival, and Facebook is prime territory to watch it unfold.
The fuckery is entertaining.
