Cell Phone Etiquette for the 21st Century

 

The other day I received a text message at 6:47am. I ignored it of course, but wondered what kind of CALLOUS MOTHERFUCKER sends a text on a Saturday morning before breakfast? And it wasn’t an emergency, I know it, because the interloper would’ve grudgingly picked up the phone and speed dialed to hear me yell ARE YOU SERIOUS into the speakerphone. 

Most of my people know that mornings are not a good look for me. (don't let the MAC under eye concealer fool you.) My central nervous system does not fire at full throttle before lunchtime. Reason being I’m a hardcore insomniac and don’t go night- night until 2am-ish, and that’s with the assistance of sleepy-time pharmaceuticals. Saturday and Sunday I needs my beauty rest and don’t deign to get out of bed before NOON.

Weekend mornings are my sacred meditation, meaning I shamelessly sleep right through them. 

I’m also what is termed “old school,” which is code for having actually been raised with an intact and functioning set of manners.  Mum taught me that it is truly bad form to ring someone’s phone before 10 in the morning, or past 10 at night. A lesson which has stuck with me; for I have never been so uncouth as to curse somebody out before or beyond the appropriate etiquette defined hour.

Whatever happened to decorum? Social protocol? Whatever happened to the effort of not acting like an unrefined, offensively rude and heinous human being? You cell phone crackheads act like it’s your religion to careen across every conceivable social guideline and boundary.  Not only is it highly infuriating, but you 21^st century barbarians are contributing to the downfall of the entire species.

If you'd like to reinstate a smidgen of your humanity, here are some ideas:

 

ENGAGE IN THE FASCINATING AND COMPLEX WORLD AROUND YOU. Don't be brainwashed with the idea that you live a quality life, just because you have the latest phone upgrade and spend all of your time hunched over while texting, gaming, What’sApp’ing, Vine-ing, Instagramming, FaceTime-ing, Twatting, or updating your feed for all 600 hundred of your closest friends who you don’t even know in real life.

Try looking up at the sky. Try looking straight ahead when you’re walking around. Look at the traffic that you’re always in danger of walking into because you refuse to pull your head out of your cell phone's ass. Pay attention to your surroundings. Observe. Listen. Marvel at the sun. Try participating in the world like a sentient human being. 

YOU OWN YOUR PHONE. IT DOES NOT OWN YOU. An office mate tripped and broke her ankle while trying to grab her phone by the third ring. Why? Fear of missing a call. Here's another small tip: You are not required to answer the phone each time it cries out. Nor is this 1980, where when you missed a call and there was no voice mail to pick up, you were left to agonize if that was the call that was going to change your entire life. If you happen to miss a call, just chill out. I promise you’ll get a return call. In about 5 seconds. Or a follow-up text. Or you can simply access your missed call log, and push a button. Try not to let your phone dictate your every move.

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER:  There’s nothing wrong with the reasonable abbreviation every now and again. When strapped for time, shortcuts come in handy. But if someone needs this while deciphering your texts (emails, tweets, Facebook posts) please reconsider your life.  You’re either a 12 year old girl (literally or emotionally), functionally illiterate, or a lazy asshole.  Yes, I'm tlkN bout u. Now w@?

TEXTING WHILE RIDING:  Naturally one should not drive and text, like ever. Though when you live in Los Angeles, most of your prime texting time is earned while sitting in traffic - so there's that. But this is addressed to the annoying, over-entitled cyclists attempting to take over this city: Stop trying to use a cell phone WHILE STEERING A BIKE WITH ONE HAND DOWN SANTA MONICA BLVD DURING RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.  Just stop it.   

 

Stop doing this.   

You are going against the innate survival instinct supposedly present in all humans. Stay off the phone, stay in your lane, and GET OUT OF THE ROAD.

 SHOW SOME FUCKING MANNERS:

 

 

YAP ALL YOU WANT, just be courteous enough to cease your usually loud ass cell phone conversation before it’s your turn in line.  Don’t hold up the natural process by trying to order while still blabbing into your earpiece about your psycho boss or why your best friend is pissed or how you’re about to go to urgent care for that rash.  

When someone is assisting you face-to-face, do your best to act like a dignified human being. Make eye contact with the person serving you. Acknowledge. Say please and thank you. Then resume your conversation.

Because seriously, the people behind you at Starbucks or the Thai joint do not want to hear your blather on, or watch you fumble around in search of your credit card, the post-it note containing your co-workers order, expired coupons, exact change, PIN number, etc., while in essence, holding up the goddamn line.   

Don't do it. 

Because secretly, those people want to stab you.   

And by those people, I mean me.

Next Up: Social Media Etiquette. Gird your loins.