Nobody Ever Really Dies (N.E.R.D.)

"When my husband was dying, I said: 'Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?' 
"He told me: 'Take the love you have for me and spread it around.'"
 ~ Shirley and Moe (HONY)

Death anniversaries suck. Such a shitty thing to have in one’s life; those cruel reminders of loss. When one rolls around, my habit is to time-out, isolate, basically drop off the radar. Spend the day alone, sometimes in bed, in an attempt to ignore the whole deal. Or distract myself with mundane activities, constantly checking the clock, counting down the seconds until the awful day is done. It’s a day to be endured. After all, it’s a day the person you love - died.

But this year, on that second day of August - it was different. 

The night prior, I had a dream. 

In it, my aunt Joyce (Justin’s mother) and me (his big cousin, Jade – we’re a proud family of J names) - were chilling together on a lovely patio. The sun was shining down on us, as we smoked a huge joint. We were laughing, foot-stomping, and having an all-around good time; like you do when life is good.

  

I woke up and immediately told Joyce. We took it as a sign. The fact that we were smiling and laughing, something we couldn’t conceive of seven years ago, when her only son was murdered at age 24, and that on the very day he left this earth seven years ago, he delivered us a message. 

The dream was 100% Justin approved: Until we see him again, he wants us to be happy. Because life can still be good.

Take the love you have for me, and spread it around. 

So I didn’t waste the day in bed. I didn’t jot down angry notes in my journal. I didn’t mope; or ponder the tragedies of life. I got up and got moving. (Because Justin’s motto was: hang out, be out, stand out, show out)

 Justin (far right) and crew

So, I exercised and cleaned the house. Went shopping for an upcoming vacation. Connected with friends. Cooked dinner. Enjoyed a chilled glass of white wine at the end of the day, and made a long-distance toast: To Justin. To life.

I didn't spend the day being sad. Those were not his instructions.

I reminisced with my kids about him. About how I was just thirteen when Justin was born, and happy to finally have a little cousin to fuss over and help take care of; how he basically became my own living doll.  I remember it all, the days and nights spent in the Baltimore house off Liberty Heights Ave. The delightfully long summers filled with Vacation Bible School, late night bbq’s, and lightening bugs in glass jars.  For all us, my family and friends, it was the best of times.

Take the love you have for me, and spread it around. 

And something else happened. 

When straightening the house that day, I went to clean a mirrored wall in my writing room, which I use mainly for quotes. Years ago, I’d written Justin (and Dena’s) name there as a memorial. I’ve never cleaned that portion of the mirror since.  This day (of all days), without even realizing - I swiped over the writing. I recoiled instantly, thinking the memento was destroyed.

I opened my eyes. It was still there.

I took the cloth and rubbed again. First lightly, then harder each time. Not a smudge. What I’d somehow forgotten was, I’d written in permanent ink. It wasn’t going anywhere.

It clicked. The N.E.R.D. concept clicked in, just ever more slightly.

I couldn’t wipe them away. Nothing could, not even if I tried. The imprint on my life is permanent. Their existence is there, always will be, as long as I’m alive. They are breathing and living right along with me, intertwined with the blood pumping in and out of my heart.

And when we die, hopefully we will have imprinted ourselves on someone thoroughly enough to become a part of their Soul DNA; and so on.

So, nobody ever really dies.

Maybe this is progress. Another milestone. Although next year (or even next week), there’s no telling. I might get sucker-punched by grief or sadness, and end up on the floor, in bed, or pulled over on the side of a road. That’s just the way it goes. It’s just on this August day, seven years to the day, it was different.

And I'll keep taking the love I have for Justin, and spreading it around.

Justin forever.

Justin, smiling. (center)