Out, Damned Thoughts..

A legal case caught my attention last year, where a young woman pushed her husband off a cliff while on their honeymoon:

Jordan Linn Graham, 22, told FBI agents that she and her husband of eight days, 25-year-old Cody Lee Johnson, were arguing on July 7 while walking in Glacier National Park near their home in Kalispell, Montana. "She could have just walked away, but due to her anger, she pushed Johnson with both hands in the back and as a result, he fell face first off the cliff," the affidavit states she told investigators.

WTF?

SMQ! (So many questions.)

# 1: Sooo she merks the poor dude eight days after getting hitched? For reals? Whatever happened to old-school etiquette, where one respectably stands up one’s betrothed at the altar? At least everyone lives in that scenario.

# 2: Did she have the newlywed version of buyer’s remorse, and decide to return the groom to his maker – kind of like returning an ugly handbag purchase back to Nordstrom’s?

# 3: Was this some kind of plotline remix to So I Married an Axe Murderer?

# 4: Is this a sordid example of how the socially stunted, microwave generation wants what it wants right now - even down to getting rid of a husband? (Honestly, eight days is a tad excessive…everyone knows it takes a good 5+  years before you start plotting ways to fling your hubby off a mountain.)

# 5: Perhaps she meant to push him - but not to his death?

# 6: Or…was he standing too close to the edge when she was overcome by an uncontrollable impulse to push him?

The last question intrigued me most. (naturally) Was there a mental disorder at play? Did she hear voices, was she delusional? (schizophrenia) Did she have a history of impulsive thoughts and/or behavior? Had she ever been diagnosed with Harm O, a sub-type of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder wherein:

A person has aggressive obsessions that they may cause harm to others impulsively. For example, the person may fear that they will punch a friend, when they are not angry, but just because they can. They may be concerned that they might push an elderly person into subway tracks or push a child into oncoming traffic. Another common fear is that the person might grab a steak knife during dinner and stab a loved one.

Most people have the occasional impulsive thought. It's natural, and it passes. Yet this very situation is one of my worst fears realized. (Two fears, if we include the whole getting married thing.) Because anyone like me, who happens to be born with a case of wacky brain chemistry (and diagnosed OCD*), these thoughts reach a whole other level. Many times they turn obsessive, become stuck in an accelerated process, vividly recycle and repeat, to the point where they cause a great deal of stress and anxiety.

(*Quick aside regarding Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder:  Some people proclaim to have "OCD" because it sounds like a cool way to explain certain idiosyncratic behaviors, but have never been professionally diagnosed. OCD is a DSM Axis I/Anxiety-related disorder in which a person experiences frequent intrusive and unwelcome obsessional thoughts, often followed by repetitive compulsions, impulses or urges.  

So having OCD is not the same as being “anal,” or “a perfectionist.”  A person who cleans house thoroughly for tidiness/cleanliness does not have OCD. A person who spends half an hour making sure the curtains fall perfectly (hello), or has to disinfect items repeatedly, and cannot move on to the next task without becoming seriously agitated and upset, is a purer example of OCD. Hence, this scene. )

Plainly put - it only seems edgy and novel when you do not have it.  When you do, it's exhausting; and a bit of a drag.

This particular head trip's been a part of my life before I even knew it had a name.

For me, things started out benignly enough. I was a quirky little girl with strange habits I kept mostly to myself.  My first phobia sprang up full-force at age four, when I developed an irrational fear of pine cones (this is another post entirely). I also developed an uncontrollable need to read the same books over and over, mostly for comfort. I had counting rituals (counting the number of steps it took to walk from one place to another, the time lapse between a red and green light), ordering and arranging rituals (my knee socks had to align perfectly, toys and books had to be stacked a certain way) among other tasks that I would endlessly repeat, until it felt "right."

Then some time around grade school, I became dreadfully afraid of scissors. Not just because they were sharp – but because I had thoughts of them “coming alive” in my hands and hurting someone. I failed Home Ec in high school, not because I was some lame ass, but of my fear of handling needles, scissors, fabric rippers, and other sharp sewing shit. (Elmer-gluing my skirt patterns together = FAIL.)  I wouldn't stand near a ledge at the mall, or a drop-off while hiking, or peer over a rooftop – because of the fear I'd be compelled to jump. Or worse, that I would impulsively push someone.

As I got older, there were places/situations that would set off these anxieties, and I avoided them to keep myself from going nutters. As with any chronic condition left untreated - the symptoms got worse. During a deeply traumatic period in my life which triggered mass anxiety and horrible intrusive thoughts, I ended up in a therapist’s office. And thank Yeezus.  Because after a professional evaluation and diagnosis, I was able to gain insight into OCD, its etiology, and how it could be managed.

And it was awesome, being reassured that I was not insane. (By the clinical/legal definition, anyway. My friends will often argue this.)

I manage pretty well these days with meds that keep my serotonin and other neurotransmitters in check, and with CBT techniques learned in therapy. I’m not nearly as anxious/compulsive/obsessive as I once was - though I still have jittery, sometimes exhausting ways (and flare-ups, when under stress) that I embrace and use to my advantage. Like my homie Monk.

And no matter how many impulsive thoughts I've had about running some idiot asshole driver off the road, or pushing a truly heinous person down the stairs (or disposing of a husband) - I've never done it.  And just to be clear: I do have a temper, and am known to go HAM, yet these ocassions are usually justified (heh). OCD'ers with intrusive thoughts typically have no history of violence, nor do they act on their urges or impulses.  (We leave that to the psychotics.)

But back to this Jordan chick - she had no prior history of mental issues, nor did her lawyers attempt to put up a mental incompetence defense.  It appears she's just a generic sociopath with some fatal anger management issues. Even worse, she tried to cover-up her crime by lying to investigators, claiming she had no idea what happened to her husband. Then eventually fessed up, and lead cops to hubby's body. That 'aint no mental condition, that's a cold-blooded bitch. She eventually pled guilty to second degree murder.

So my original attempt to understand the cliff pusher's plight just didn't pan out. Old girl basically fucked up her life, (and her victim's) for reasons unknown.

Let's see how long she can keep those murderous hands to herself, with cellies who look like this.

UPDATE 3/27/14: Sentenced to 30 years in the Big House.