The Panda Cam

We all look forward to those glorious moments during the day, when we can fuck off take time out for the mental “breathers” that keep us sane at the office. During the course of a garden variety work day, many of us exhale on the internets in the form of: instant messaging, online gambling/ shopping/dating, scouring the gossip blogs, checking fantasy football stats, stalking your teens' Tumblr feed, blathering on about absolutely fucking nothing via Facebook (Instagram, Twitter, Vine, Xanga, yadda yadda); creating stupid cute Bitstrip cartoons, or by leaving rambling, rage-filled comments regarding Obamacare in the entertainment section of Yahoo.com

Well. I've traded all of the above, since the day I found my beloved Panda Cam.

With just one click, I’m instantly transported to the peaceful environs of the Ailuropoda melanoleuca, the Giant Pandas who currently enjoy their endangered life status at the Smithsonian National Zoo in DC.  Twenty-four/seven, a camera follows Mei Mei and Bao Bao (Moms and her cub) as they sleep, stretch, laze around, play, eat, and shit.

There’s something absolutely meditative about watching these cute, burly creatures peacefully lolling around the bamboo garden all day. This daily practice also provides me with a quick, safe, and stress-free method of connecting with nature. (The lifestyle experts say this is important.) And it's really cool to witness these creatures in action, especially since they’d maul your fucking eyes out if you ever got too close in real life.

It’s all so damn zen.

And hey, sometimes my long days at the office can get rough. Working with people who happen to be battling cancer every day is extremely rewarding, but it also has the propensity to suck major ass. (Because, cancer.) My way of decompressing is by observing the life of the exquisite panda throughout the day.

This is reality TV as it SHOULD BE, people.  Natural. Authentic. Educational. Uncensored. There’s no repulsive, warped, dysfunctional behavior going down, like say, in HUMANITY. In the panda realm, there are no politics or hidden agendas. No nastiness. (which means no Republicans) And depending on which camera you select for your viewing pleasure, you'll either have the joy of watching baby Bao Bao stretch and roll around in her crib (ok, cage) like some wild, little, breathing cotton ball with legs:







Or, you'll be greeted by the vision of Mei Mei, chilling in the bamboo garden, serenely consuming lunch, and reigning like the true Thug Misses she is.





Fascinating.

Check what else I learned about pandas:

Lifestyle:

A wild giant panda spends much of its day resting, feeding, and seeking food.

How cool is that? The equivalent in my world would be: Sleeping, lounging, and constant dinner reservations.  These pandas have got the FUCKING LIFE.

Characteristics:

Though the panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation rather than aggression.

Totally can relate. I attack anyone who bothers me around lunch time.

Social Structure:

Adult giant pandas are generally solitary, but they do communicate periodically through scent marks, calls, and occasional meetings.

Me too! Except I communicate periodically through angry facial expressions, this blog, and occasional meetings at the bar (happy hour)!

Raising Cubs:

Offspring stay with their mothers from one and a half to three years.

I dig how panda motherhood is so.... accelerated. Three years tops? My offspring have been hanging around my pad for a few decades. (I bet Panda moms show their boomerang kids the DOOR.)  Mei Mei is a stern disciplinarian, and does NOT play. Especially when she's trying to get some decent shut-eye. If Bao Bao bothers her, wanting to play, or be fed  - Mei Mei will raise her gargantuan paw and fling poor Bao Bao aside like an unwanted rollie pollie.

I respect that.

Kids have to learn not to fuck with Moms during her beauty rest. It's the same in the wild, and at my house.

Not everyone is on board with my latest obsession. A colleague walked in one day, spied the active Panda Cam on my screen.

He kinda scoffed and said something about how he mistook me for suuuucch a progressive, and how could I participate in the exploitation of innocent pandas like that? Violating their privacy, and such. What about the panda's rights?

It took me 4 seconds to realize what was going down. Dude just tried to PANDA SHAME me.

"Listen," I whisper-shouted. "This is my thing. Do I get all judgy with your thing, like when you Skype with those slack-jawed hosebeasts you meet on your secret OkCupid account?" (I was irritated because Bao Bao was stretching after her sixth afternoon nap and I'd just missed it.)  "Is this what you really want to debate with me? Panda advocacy? Of all the social ills ravaging this planet? How about human rights violations going on at GITMO? What about sex trafficking in Cambodia? Miner's rights in South Africa? Do you even care about the homeless? What about the evil that is Fox News? This (I point at screen, as the camera zooms in on Mei Mei taking a shit) is restorative to me. Ok? Oprah has her mountaintop on Maui, I HAVE MY PANDA CAM."

He backed away as if to say ok this is really not how I want to die and meandered away. Actually, he's hasn't spoken to me since.

GOOD.

FINE.

Whatever.

We don't have time for any nonsense, we're here to work.

But how freaking cute is Bao Bao?!  Just look at her. ADORBS!