WAZE IZ AWEZOME - Part 2 (UPDATES)

 

As I mentioned before, WAZE has significantly increased my overall quality of life. Yep, I said it. Just like a steaming bowl of Ramen – IT MAKES ME UNABASHEDLY HAPPY. Instead of a huge groan before starting my a.m. or p.m. commute, I gleefully bask in the mystericfullness (mystery, magic, and cheerfulness) of where WAZE will lead me next. 

Here are a few updates, discoveries, and personal recommendations I've made since embarking on this wonderful journey:

KNOW YOUR DISTANCES:

I’ve never been a "good at directions” kind of gal, so the fact that Waze baby steps me through any driving route is all kinds of win.  Though in the beginning, I had to become aware of the concept of distance.  When Waze told me to make a right turn in 325 feet, I figured I had at least 3 good minutes to fast forward that wack song playing on Pandora and grab a snack out of the glove box before making the turn. But no. Turns out, 325 feet is roughly half a city block, so for the first few weeks I kept miscalculating the impending turn. This caused me to do a last minute fast-ass break type action, then bust a hella sloppy move by turning on a dime. This really pisses people off.  Happens to a lot of Waze newbies.

I think the solution would be more verbal reminders for us clueless folk. As in “make a left in 225 feet….make a left in 100 feet….make a left in 25 feet….DAMMIT GIRL MAKE A LEFT RIGHT HERE.”  Which brings me to....

USE GOOD JUDGEMENT:

In the earnest desire to get you home in time to watch the live airing of Love and Hip-Hop (don’t judge), Waze will sometimes give you questionable driving advice. For instance, a simple voice command to “continue ahead on current route” really means “continue to barrel across four lanes of traffic." Or Waze will blithely tell you to “make a left turn” when you’re already firmly planted in THE RIGHT LANE. No matter how calm and reassuring that Waze chick’s voice is, no matter how bad you need to get home to take a whiz - DON’T DO IT. I call it the Waze honey trap.  Don't get caught out there just because Waze told you to; that shit's not going to hold up in court. Remind yourself who’s really gonna pay the cost after you T-bone that brand new Tesla into some dude's illegal garage apartment.

BELONGING TO A CHUMMY COMMUNITY:

After becoming a Wazer, (that's what we're called) you will fellowship with the best group of formerly disgruntled and disillusioned drivers, who are now basically the Dali Lama’s of The Commute. We are no longer stressed, dismissive, or driving under the influence of rage. We gladly give you space and patience, and let you jump ahead of us on those delightful treks to and from the office. And to prove it, we freely give each other The Wave. 

The Wave is that hand motion that says “Dude! Go right ahead!” and the recipient throws up the “Gee thanks buddy!” hand motion in return. It’s the I DRIVE IN PEACE signal within the charitable Waze community, not to be confused with throwing up gang signs. But don’t get it twisted. If some asshole jerk makes an improper move without giving/receiving The Wave, we will place you on notice by irrationally screaming “HANDS MOTHERFUCKER! HANDS!!" to indicate your non-compliance. And trust, we sound more menacing than the LAPD.  

WAZE HELPS KEEP YOUR ASS SAFE, INFORMED, AND OUT OF TROUBLE:

Another reason why this app is truly awesome. Waze users notify other Wazers when there is: 1) A red light camera (2) An accident (3) A vehicle stopped on the road (4) A vicious Pot Hole that will crack your low profile rim and set you back a hundred and fifty bucks (5) The nearest gas station, and most importantly (5) THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE POLICE. As soon as anyone spots The Fuzz, we scramble to update the network so everyone knows when and where to slow down, cease yapping on the phone, texting, and/or watching Netflix. 

One caveat: UNREPORTABLE DANGERS:
Because I have the night vision of a newborn mink, driving after work is tricky.  Unfortunately Waze cannot help me avoid the hidden hazards that come along with night driving, such as annoying pedestrians, joggers, or cyclists; people walking their dogs, people shuffling along with babies in strollers, homeless dudes pushing carts, or people who think it’s wise to be doing anything in the middle of the street that I happen to be driving down after sunset.

OH YOU MAD?


'Cause you know. Haters gonna hate. A group of folks are in a huff now that we're up on game, and suddenly trampling through their previously exclusive little neighborhoods while making the way back to our plebeian existences. Waaah, there's too much activity on the poor little street where my multi-million dollar mansion sits, and we're gonna fight back against these peasants! And they've tried. Complaining to neighborhood associations and city councils and such. But the law clearly states that "anyone has a right to take a public road or trail to whatever destination they choose," so my message to them is buck the fuck up. It's me who has to brave these dank and often dangerous streets just to land safely at my struggling middle-class abode, so until you build your way into a nice exclusive cul de sac - WE'RE COMING THROUGH YOUR HOOD, BITCHES. Deal with it. Xoxo.

'Cause it's all about that Waze life, son!