Social Media Etiquette for the 21st Century

(Yes, I said in the 21^st century, because I doubt there were high levels of fuckery going down in ’96 when Geocities was all the rage.)

QUICK FACT: Social media has now overtaken pornography as the No. 1 activity on the web. 

TRANSLATION: When pron (typo, and it stays) falls alllll the way to second place, the end of the world is nigh.

Still no reason to forget our manners, right?  We reviewed a little cell phone etiquette, so now let’s tackle this social media situation…

OVERVIEW:
The strange thing about social media is that waay back, before we had unlimited access to share and chat and be all up in each other’s thought processes - one could walk around with the notion that most folk were basically kind, intelligent, worthwhile human beings.

But not now; nope. The social media phenomenon has forced us to accept that the planet is rife with people who are sadly and profoundly - stupid. Or boring. Or mean, self-absorbed, small-minded, and/or suffering from a plethora of mental and personality disorders. 

I mean, just look.

Though social media is a fucking genius when it comes to real life issues - raising awareness, spearheading social causes, starting a revolution, disseminating information, holding the powers that be accountable - and for tasks such as marketing, advertising, showcasing original /talent content (music, literature, cinema, etc.), and clever entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment, though? OMG. The MEME movement is the BEST.THING.EVER.  

 

And gif’s - AWESOME.SAUCE.

(And I’m totally going to create my own, AND post them all over my blog. YOU WATCH, TIA.)

But back to minding our manners via:

TWITTER:  

I have some extremely intelligent, very interesting friends who hang out on Twitter. Personally, I can’t get into it. I can’t get into Twitter, just like I can’t get into ice swimming.  It’s just not my idea of a good time. What can I say? I just get the feeling that murky things go on there. Plus everybody uses it, which rarely turns out well. Etiquette infractions include:

Hashtag abuse:

Especially personalized hashtags that drag on and give dyslexic’s nervous breakdowns:

#thingsthathesaysthatmakemegoabsolutelyinsane

#justgottotheclubheynowwheremygirlsattimetoturnup

And, rampant stupidity:

Add to the list:

• Spelling/grammatical errors
• Wack twitter names and handles
• Endless re-tweeting
• USING ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!
• Excessive emoji use (I freaking love emoji's.)

Side note: Twitter is great for: customer service resolutions, as a non-traditional news source, and roasting public figures who deserve it.

INSTAGRAM:
 

Folks kept saying you don’t have an Instagram account? you really need an Instagram account. So I got one.  And, so. This is where the all the foodies, #selfie fanatics, and amateur photogs/videoagraphers reside.

My daughter, for example, will Instagram snapshots of her everyday meals, and call it art. Which forces me to politely say, no sweetheart, just because you’ve captured a bitten into grilled cheese sandwich and slapped a filter on it, does not make it art. And then I’ll show her a place where art lives.

It’d be more exciting (and less obnoxious) if Instagram users would be kind enough kick it up a notch. A lot of the content looks awfully pedestrian. Interesting cuisine, breathtaking scenery, and fashion shoots are awesome to look at; but a little more creativity is in order. Maybe jump out of a plane, and Instagram an expression pic as you fumble for the parachute release strap? Now that would be cool.

PINTEREST:

Great concept. Love the virtual personalized boards with all kinds of neat categories. I use it about twice every fiscal year, so not familiar with its annoyance level.  Is social media etiquette routinely skirted there? Hit me up, Pinterest people!

Otherwise, it seems pretty harmless. Or maybe it’s just another way to waste time online. Wouldn't it be more fulfilling to get out in the real world and hit a few thrift stores or an estate sale or accomplish a DIY project that once finished, can be posted on Instagram with all kinds of fancy special effects accompanied by a clever hashtag? (but what the fuck do I know)

FACEBOOK:

The most egregious crimes of social media etiquette continue to take place here. Let's review:

Tip #1: Pretend you’re at a party. All of your FB friends are attendees. Would you strike up convo about that great movie (or book, restaurant, cable TV series, whatever), or your
travel bucket list, or go with an interesting anecdote/observation - or would you lead with how much you hate your job, or that your kid vomited on you last night? Now, if you can make the kid-vomit story interesting, then go ahead. If not, wait for something more electrifying to share.

Tip #2: If you do choose to post about yourself, politely do us all a favor and have a pretty amazing existence or lifestyle. Like one of my favorite girls right here. She’s always up to something fresh and entertaining. She's talented, fabulous, extremely humble and grounded, interesting, and a world traveler. AND SHE'S FROM INGLEWOOD. (What up, Shan!) Now, would you rather read about someone who says: I'm getting ready to go to work, or I'm getting ready to go to GUAM/GREECE/GERMANY?

Tip #3: Please keep in mind, Facebook is not:

• A diary
• A blog
• A personal newsletter
• An advice column
• A place to incessantly talk about yourself (see Tip #2)
• To be used in place of professional therapy
• A place to hash out family, parental, or relationship issues for the world to see
• A place to drop terrible news to or about someone without first attempting a more discreet mode of communication
• Add your pet peeve here ________________

Actually, I think there should be a separate Facebook for each subject matter or interest. Yes. I am advocating Facebook segregation. It makes sense, for us and Zuckerberg. (somebody get him on the horn) That way we can talk freely amongst ourselves, with our own kind, and not bore the outsiders to tears.

There would be a designated Facebook world for each tribe:  (a) parents, their woes, and their wacky kid tales (b) complainers and venters, (c) people on the prowl and/or looking for dates, (d) the exercise extremists, (e) the foodies, (f) fashionistas, (g) religious freaks, (h) celebrity gossipers, (i) the conspiracy theorists, (j) the druggies, (k) the metaphysical and enlightened Ones, (l) the financial schemers and planners, (m) the wanna-be stand-up comedians (n) gang-members, (o) people who want to endlessly talk about relationships, etc.  (My only friends on Facebook would be other people who also hate Facebook.)

Tip #4: Standard FB etiquette requires asking yourself these hard-hitting questions: 

• Is this post in some way witty, profound, remarkable, newsworthy, thought-provoking, interesting, or intriguing? AND IF NOT,
• Why am I posting this?
• Who am I posting this for?
• Am I talking about myself again?
• Am I talking to myself again?
• Am I talking about the same old shit again?
• Do I have a compulsion I need to address?
• Am I posting this specifically to get the attention of one particular person/group, yet being all pass-agg about it? 
• Will I feel better after posting this?
• Is this something I want my grand-kids to stumble across when they Google me in 20 years?

In other words, Darlings - refrain from posting anything that you don’t mind being examined, commented on, and/or talked about out here in these Facebook streets. Unless, of course, you don't give a shit. Which leads me to...


The Unfriend Finder:

APPARENTLY, PEOPLE DO GIVE A SHIT: Yes, there is an app to find out who unfriended you on Facebook. (Twitter, Instagram, etc.) My daughter regrettably informed me this is actually a thing. This should be called the you've got to find better things to do with your time app. Because, really? WELCOME BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.

Final tip: So many of us worry about the NSA or whoever (Putin? the Aliens?) violating our privacy, despite being overly enthusiastic about posting every second of our natural lives on social media. All of the info we volunteer online is viewed, tracked, and disseminated by employers, advertisers, identity thieves, governmental agencies, etc. That's the agreement we make when using social media. Also keep in mind, internet content lives forever. (Forever ever) So be smart, be savvy, and always mind your manners!

The Panda Cam

We all look forward to those glorious moments during the day, when we can fuck off take time out for the mental “breathers” that keep us sane at the office. During the course of a garden variety work day, many of us exhale on the internets in the form of: instant messaging, online gambling/ shopping/dating, scouring the gossip blogs, checking fantasy football stats, stalking your teens' Tumblr feed, blathering on about absolutely fucking nothing via Facebook (Instagram, Twitter, Vine, Xanga, yadda yadda); creating stupid cute Bitstrip cartoons, or by leaving rambling, rage-filled comments regarding Obamacare in the entertainment section of Yahoo.com

Well. I've traded all of the above, since the day I found my beloved Panda Cam.

With just one click, I’m instantly transported to the peaceful environs of the Ailuropoda melanoleuca, the Giant Pandas who currently enjoy their endangered life status at the Smithsonian National Zoo in DC.  Twenty-four/seven, a camera follows Mei Mei and Bao Bao (Moms and her cub) as they sleep, stretch, laze around, play, eat, and shit.

There’s something absolutely meditative about watching these cute, burly creatures peacefully lolling around the bamboo garden all day. This daily practice also provides me with a quick, safe, and stress-free method of connecting with nature. (The lifestyle experts say this is important.) And it's really cool to witness these creatures in action, especially since they’d maul your fucking eyes out if you ever got too close in real life.

It’s all so damn zen.

And hey, sometimes my long days at the office can get rough. Working with people who happen to be battling cancer every day is extremely rewarding, but it also has the propensity to suck major ass. (Because, cancer.) My way of decompressing is by observing the life of the exquisite panda throughout the day.

This is reality TV as it SHOULD BE, people.  Natural. Authentic. Educational. Uncensored. There’s no repulsive, warped, dysfunctional behavior going down, like say, in HUMANITY. In the panda realm, there are no politics or hidden agendas. No nastiness. (which means no Republicans) And depending on which camera you select for your viewing pleasure, you'll either have the joy of watching baby Bao Bao stretch and roll around in her crib (ok, cage) like some wild, little, breathing cotton ball with legs:







Or, you'll be greeted by the vision of Mei Mei, chilling in the bamboo garden, serenely consuming lunch, and reigning like the true Thug Misses she is.





Fascinating.

Check what else I learned about pandas:

Lifestyle:

A wild giant panda spends much of its day resting, feeding, and seeking food.

How cool is that? The equivalent in my world would be: Sleeping, lounging, and constant dinner reservations.  These pandas have got the FUCKING LIFE.

Characteristics:

Though the panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation rather than aggression.

Totally can relate. I attack anyone who bothers me around lunch time.

Social Structure:

Adult giant pandas are generally solitary, but they do communicate periodically through scent marks, calls, and occasional meetings.

Me too! Except I communicate periodically through angry facial expressions, this blog, and occasional meetings at the bar (happy hour)!

Raising Cubs:

Offspring stay with their mothers from one and a half to three years.

I dig how panda motherhood is so.... accelerated. Three years tops? My offspring have been hanging around my pad for a few decades. (I bet Panda moms show their boomerang kids the DOOR.)  Mei Mei is a stern disciplinarian, and does NOT play. Especially when she's trying to get some decent shut-eye. If Bao Bao bothers her, wanting to play, or be fed  - Mei Mei will raise her gargantuan paw and fling poor Bao Bao aside like an unwanted rollie pollie.

I respect that.

Kids have to learn not to fuck with Moms during her beauty rest. It's the same in the wild, and at my house.

Not everyone is on board with my latest obsession. A colleague walked in one day, spied the active Panda Cam on my screen.

He kinda scoffed and said something about how he mistook me for suuuucch a progressive, and how could I participate in the exploitation of innocent pandas like that? Violating their privacy, and such. What about the panda's rights?

It took me 4 seconds to realize what was going down. Dude just tried to PANDA SHAME me.

"Listen," I whisper-shouted. "This is my thing. Do I get all judgy with your thing, like when you Skype with those slack-jawed hosebeasts you meet on your secret OkCupid account?" (I was irritated because Bao Bao was stretching after her sixth afternoon nap and I'd just missed it.)  "Is this what you really want to debate with me? Panda advocacy? Of all the social ills ravaging this planet? How about human rights violations going on at GITMO? What about sex trafficking in Cambodia? Miner's rights in South Africa? Do you even care about the homeless? What about the evil that is Fox News? This (I point at screen, as the camera zooms in on Mei Mei taking a shit) is restorative to me. Ok? Oprah has her mountaintop on Maui, I HAVE MY PANDA CAM."

He backed away as if to say ok this is really not how I want to die and meandered away. Actually, he's hasn't spoken to me since.

GOOD.

FINE.

Whatever.

We don't have time for any nonsense, we're here to work.

But how freaking cute is Bao Bao?!  Just look at her. ADORBS!